How society talks about rape

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and some interesting things came up at the end of March that definitely fall into the category of “Let’s talk about sexual assault awareness.”

I didn’t want to take the U of R professor’s blog post seriously. I really didn’t. I get the premise, and after talking to a lot of people and doing some reflecting on it, I get the creeps about a thought experiment about rape. At first, I could accept the premises of it – why not analyze our values about rape and why it’s wrong? But we live in a rape culture, and those experiments perpetuate the idea that the violation of rape is somehow acceptable. There is no benefit to be reaped from rape— society gains nothing from that kind of sexual deviant.

There’s also no such thing as a harmless rape. It is simply not possible, even in the land of hypotheticals; at the very least reputations are at stake and with the reported suicides of two more bright young women, I think this only drives that point home.

I also would like to point out that one in four women on college campuses have been raped, so there is a strong possibility that in this professor’s classes, there’s a young woman who has been assaulted. There are better ways to discuss rape, and there are definitely better ways to frame thought experiments in class.

He does bring up consent (and the victim’s lack of it), and I think that has equally as much to do with the situation he describes. There’s been a lot of talk about teaching men not to rape, and not victim-blaming and that’s all awesome. Really. That’s a huge step forward for how we talk about rape.

Jeff Pier, the director of Rape Crisis Service at Planned Parenthood of the Rochester/Syracuse Region (PPRSR) said education about rape and healthy relationships must start young. Campaigns to “not rape” are great news, and have finally come into the conversation at a great time. He’s finding that in his work with survivors of rape and sexual assault, there is still a lot of confusion as to what actually constitutes rape and lack of consent. He says education on consent, healthy relationships and positive life choices are the key to combating rape.

I asked him what he thought about the “don’t rape" campaigns, and the thing that stood out to me the most is the emphasis he placed on the education, and not victim-shaming. The concepts of “don’t victim blame” and “don’t rape” are useless without the education of what they actually mean.

When we say “don’t victim blame,” that means:

·         Just listen. And listen without judgment.

·         Believe the person who is telling you that they have been raped.

·         Assure them that they are not alone, and that it’s not their fault.

·         Don’t blame what they were wearing.

·         Don’t blame their assault on how much they had to drink. Or where they were, or what they were doing, or anything else that one can think of that in some way would make it the victim’s fault.

·         It is NEVER the victim’s fault.

When someone comes to you and says that they have been raped, or tells you “I don’t know what happened,” say “I am so sorry that this happened to you; I’m here to listen to you.” If you are unable to do this, direct them to the person that can.

PPRSR has a phenomenal Rape Crisis Service team in Rochester. Their job is to help victims ascertain what exactly happened to them, what steps legally can be taken, what medical steps should be pursued and offer counseling to help start the healing process. It’s also available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Literally, whenever you need someone, they are there for you.

Conversely, do not ask “Well, why didn’t you tell anyone?” “Why were you there so late at night?” “What did you think was going to happen?” “Why didn’t you fight back?” Rape is hard enough to talk about without judge-y questions. It’s also natural to want to know more. Resist the urge to put your curiosity/ need to know above the emotional/mental/physical needs of the person who is coming forward and telling you about what happened to them.

Don’t rape is a little trickier. Posters like this mean well enough:

Consent is awesome, for sure. But there’s more to “not raping” than that

When we talk about “don’t rape,” this is what we are talking about:

·         Obtaining consent. Bluntly stated, this means that the person who you are attempting to have sex with has consented to having sex with you, and continues to consent throughout the entire act.

·         Passed out unconscious does not mean yes. No does not mean yes. She said yes, and then changed her mind to no does not mean yes. Telling you they don’t want to/ are uncertain/too tired/whatever is not consenting.

·         If you see someone with another person who is clearly incapacitated and unable to consent, DO be that person who steps up and intervenes to ask if he/she knows them, and actually wants to go home with them. Bystanders can be tremendously powerful in preventing rape, and in making it socially unacceptable to take advantage of those unable to consent or make their wishes known.

·         We should teach our young men and women to see women as completely autonomous creatures with desires and minds of their own. These desires and whims should be respected as the autonomous decisions they are.

That’s what makes these examples so compelling; those are real situations people find themselves in.

Perhaps one of the most powerful things we can do is create safe spaces for victims to come forward and share their experiences. Rape is something that was not talked about for a very long time, especially if the victims were children when the abuse was happening. As it stands right now, approximately one in four children under the age of 18 are sexually assaulted by someone they know. This statistic is almost certainly higher than that, considering how underreported these crimes are. The statistics for other kinds of rape similarly suffer from this kind of distortion, because it is so difficult to get justice and to face the stigma in one’s community.

It’s easy to get someone to agree that raping someone else is wrong, because duh, yeah, bodily/mental violations and things. It’s much harder to unlearn destructive behaviors that lead to rape. It’s possible. The education and outreach teams here at PPRSR do some great things within the community, but it’s possible to do more, and it might be as simple as letting the people around you know that you’re safe person to come and talk to. Healing is obviously a more involved process than that, but giving someone the space to speak up is a tremendous start. 

Lauren
PPRSR VOX Intern

Implications of Steubenville: Talking about Rape Culture

Did you know that every two minutes a person is sexually assaulted in the United States? Or that one in three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime?

If you’ve been living under a rock the past month or so, or just haven’t been paying attention to the news cycle (it happens to the best of us!), and haven’t heard about Steubenville, I would direct you firstly to the Atlantic’s very thorough article that details the entire situation.

Even now that the verdict is in, Steubenville has tremendous implications for how Americans talk about rape amongst themselves, how rape is reported (especially rape committed by acquaintances) and how we deal with changing the perspectives on a culture that allows these crimes to happen in the first place. 

Two thirds of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and 38 percent are committed by someone close to them. Perhaps it’s not so shocking then that only 54 percent of rapes are reported to the police. Three percent of rapists will spend a day in jail, and so in some ways a guilty (delinquent) verdict, and the notice of a convening of a grand jury, is justice for Jane Doe. 

Perhaps, and this is a very wishful thinking Lauren, this case will open a larger sustained conversation about victims, how we support them and how we can include men in the larger discussion of “don’t rape.”

It’s not constructive to tell victims that it’s their fault they didn’t think quickly enough; they weren’t defensive enough; their skirts were too short; their heels too tall; whatever it was that they were doing “wrong” (conveniently enough, we’re to do these things in an attempt to conform to the ideal of a “perfect woman”).  This implies it was the victim’s fault and if they had learned how to defend themselves in the first place, it wouldn't have happened. The radical idea that yes means yes, and anything less than consent (if they’re passed out, and not saying yes, you should not pursue) is a radical one in a culture that routinely tells us our choices and desires are not as valuable. But still, it must be taught.

Women already live in fear of being attacked, that the guy who follows down the street will attack us, or that the guy at the bar who didn’t get the hint the first time he grabbed at you won’t get it a second time or a third time. We worry that the people making crass remarks will actually follow through with those comments, and are then told that those comments are actually positive attention and we should be so lucky to be receiving it.

These are the contours of what is deemed acceptable behavior, and woe unto the woman who fails to toe these lines. Rape has a purpose, and that is to silence and to shame those who do not follow the rules so explicitly laid out for them. It’s also intellectually lazy at best to assume that men are not able to control their actions, and not rape. It’s insulting to good men that we know to assume that all men in their natural state are rapists. At the end of the discussion, the onus is on men not to rape, and not on women to avoid being raped.

Don’t think it’s possible to unlearn many of the lessons that we’ve been to accept about consent and interpersonal relationships? Canada’s “Don’t Be That Guy” campaign wound up reducing the rate of sexual assaults by 10 percent in Vancouver, and has proven to be successful enough that it’s been made even more inclusive, and includes representation of the LBGT community, acknowledging that sexual violence occurs in all communities. 

I want to tell you I’m sorry for talking about rape culture all day, every day. So, sorry you’re uncomfortable? Sorry you’re not willing to engage in the kinds of conversations that will lead to the changes that will make it possible for me to NOT have to talk about rape culture? I guess I’m saying I’m really not sorry. That my community and I will continue to talk about rape and rape culture until it changes.  

And that’s really my hope for Steubenville: that the rage it generated is sustainable for change and that Jane Doe can move on, and go on to do awesome things.

Lauren
PPRSR VOX Intern

The "Meet Planned Parenthood Series" - Jeff Pier

Some people might see a position at Planned Parenthood highly unlikely for an ex-professional wrestler and two-time golden glove boxing champion, but that’s because they don’t know Jeff Pier, Rape Crisis Service Program Manager at Planned Parenthood of the Rochester/Syracuse Region.

Since 2010, Jeff has been working his hardest to make sure that Rape Crisis Service is the place people know they can go to. (So in the words of Notorious B.I.G., “if ya don’t know, now ya know.”)

With five counties in the program- Monroe, Orleans, Genesee, Livingston and Wyoming- Rape Crisis Service is the biggest sexual assault service program in the state. Whether he’s grant writing, working on re-branding or fundraising after-hours, Jeff Pier, father of a four-year old daughter and loving husband, works diligently to assure that the services that Rape Crisis provides are seamless.

I have to admit, the first time I heard that a man- not to mention one who still looks like he used to be a wrestler- was in charge of Rape Crisis Service at PPRSR, it was a bit shocking. That’s because of gender stereotyping. This happens in society every day when it comes to victims of sexual assault, and Jeff realizes that it’s a serious problem.

Always giving it to people straight, Jeff tells me “it’s not like a Lifetime movie,” a common misconception portrayed by the media. Sexual assault should never be taken lightly, but the process of coping with and/or coming forward about a sexual assault can be very difficult, sometimes even a “long, daunting process,” Jeff said.

That’s why trained counselors are available 24-hours a day, seven days a week to provide information and support. “My job is to make sure our clients are treated appropriately” he tells me, stating that Rape Crisis Service is here to make the system easier, not more complex. I know this must be true, because talking to Jeff himself was a very easy, natural experience. The other employees representing Rape Crisis Service are no different, making it ultimately a warm and welcoming place.

Still, it’s not just Jeff and the other employees at Rape Crisis Service that dedicate their lives to helping victims of sexual assault. Volunteers are always needed and are an integral part of how the program functions: without them, there would be no 24-hour crisis hotline. “The hardest thing to do is come forward,” Jeff tells me. “When women (or men) can tell their story, only then can we battle the violence against them.”

* If volunteering with Rape Crisis Service is something that interests you, please do not hesitate to visit www.pprsr.org for more information.

Elise
Marketing Intern

Blog for Choice 2011

It's almost time for the 38th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade. To commemorate the day, NARAL is sponsoring the sixth annual Blog for Choice Day to get people reading and talking about reproductive rights. In wake of the recent decision by Congress to repeal health care reform, reproductive choice is starting to become less and less available.

I've participated privately over the years, updating my Livejournal and Facebook, with my thoughts on the day and sometimes talking about my experiences of becoming a feminist and how pro-choice became a part of my persona. I'd like to share this with all of you and encourage you to share your stories about why you're pro-choice.

Back in middle school, I got involved in an abusive relationship with a male friend of mine. It was the worst experience ever. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, hoping that I could make it through the day without a bruise or feeling like dirt. I was depressed and felt like nobody could help me. Abusive relationships weren't talked about much then - that would come later in high school. Nobody imagined that I was harboring this secret, a secret so bad that it nearly killed me. One afternoon he tried to choke me when I upset him and slapped him across the face for grabbing at me. After pinning me down, he finally let go after he saw that I was scared as hell. That's when I knew I had to tell someone.

I started high school a few weeks after that horrific day and eventually told my counselor. The physical abuse stopped but he continued to stalk me and taunt me in school. When I started telling people he knew, he got really angry and came to my house one day when I was alone. He pushed past my door and threatened to rape me. I shouted so loud to get out that he finally did. When I knew he was finally gone, I bolted the door, went into my room, crawled into a ball and just cried for over an hour. I should have been thankful that I was safe but I kept thinking what if he did rape me, what if I got pregnant, even resorting to thoughts of suicide.

Ever since that day I started digging more and more into subjects like abusive relationships, rape, and reproductive choice. If I came from a conservative family, I may have been expected to carry to term if I indeed become pregnant. My life would be so different now if I had become pregnant at fourteen, especially if it was by a violent assault.

Being pro-choice is not just about having abortions; it's about having control over your body and destiny.

Working together to prevent rape.

Check out this article on Jezebel, talking about rape prevention and different approaches on college campuses.

The article discusses the ways in which the weight falls on the shoulders of women to prevent rape. Oftentimes, the target group to educate is women, with the message being: "YOU have to avoid rape by not drinking, not dressing sexy, don't drink, don't be alone, don't stay out late..."

But (the article asks), what about educating men about rape, too?
The author of the article quotes Jaclyn Friedman:

"Schools would stop telling girls to mind their liquor so they don't "get themselves" raped and start teaching young men that alcohol is never an excuse to "get away" with anything. They would offer bystander training, so that all students on campus know what it looks like when someone's sexual boundaries are being violated and what to do if they see that happening. They would teach students that the only real consent is the kind that's freely and enthusiastically given, removing the "she didn't exactly say no" excuse that too many rapists hide behind. And their campus policies would support prevention, recovery, and justice, not dismissiveness, victim-blaming, and denial."

While I certainly agree with Friedman and the Jezebel.com article, I think that Jezebel fails to ackownledge the campuses that already have active rape prevention programs that involve many men.

What's also important to note is that while a large percentage of reported rapes are by men and the victims are women, we must remember that women can rape and men can be raped.

I think the main point, and one that we can all agree on, is that we all (as women, men, and otherwise) need to be watching out for eachother.. be it ensuring that our friends are safe from rape and that (as hard as it may be for some of us to imagine) our friends are not commiting rape or sexual assault. It's about being safe and watchful, but also making sure that we all are intolerant of any kind of sexual assault.