Elise’s Guide to Summer Sexual Safety

The lazy days of summer are upon us. Finally the time to relax, have fun and travel is in full swing. But for many teens and young adults, summer can also be a time to turn off the thinking skills demanded of them during the school year. This week, I want to share with you how to enjoy some summer lovin’ while keeping those thinking skills on.




Stay Focused and Aware

It’s no secret that alcohol lowers inhibitions, and that includes inhibitions about engaging in sexual activity. Although risk taking doesn’t discriminate, alcohol related risk taking is the greatest threat to people ages 18-24. According to a government survey, in 2010, 400,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 reported having unprotected sex due to alcohol consumption. Having unprotected sex is an activity that shouldn’t be on anyone’s summer-fun list. Failing to use a condom will increase the risk of contracting an STD, as well as increase the risk of pregnancy. But the risks don’t stop there; alcohol consumption increases the risk for sexual assault and date rape as well. 100,000 of those 400,000 students reported that at they were too intoxicated to remember if they consented to sex at least one time. These numbers are shocking. Take every precaution possible to not be part of the statistics. Be smart, be safe and always be in control of your choices.

Safety Tip: When going out this summer always carry a condom and always stick with friends. If you’re around people that care about you, your chances of going through with a bad decision are lower.

Stay Out of the Water

If you’re going on a tropical vacation or simply sitting poolside in the backyard, summer can make couples have the urge to get “adventurous.” Fantasies about making love under a waterfall or having a steamy session in the hot tub may sound wonderful, but the condom sliding off or breaking isn’t quite so romantic. When using a condom for sexual activity in water, any water-based or even natural lubricant will be washed away, making friction a bigger issue. If there is not enough lubricant, the condom is at a greater risk of breaking; making you or your partner at greater risk of contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. In addition, if at any point water seeps in between the condom and the penis (which can happen if the penis loses erection even for a second), the condom could slide off and you may not even be aware of it. So lip-lock in the ocean all you want, but make sure to take it to shore when it gets hot and heavy.

Safety Tip: Using a condom is better than not using one at all. If you and your honey are stranded at sea from a terrible boat crash this summer, take extra precautions: put the condom on outside of the water and use a silicon based lubricant.

Don’t get Lazy

They don’t call it the “lazy days of summer” for nothing. When the weather is hot, it’s easier to make excuses or cancel appointments to go outside instead. In order to stay on top of your sexual health, get to the gynecologist or your family physician sooner rather than later. Get tested and stock up on condoms or birth control pills before you leave for that three week vacation. If you can’t afford protection, your local Planned Parenthood has got you covered, literally.

Safety Tip: Write a to-do list and make getting tested and having protection number one. Cross it off when you’ve done it and then have a safe, fun, memorable summer!

Elise
PPRSR Marketing Intern

What is Sexually Explicit About this Photo?

Celebrating a woman’s body has always been a controversial thought. However, many would like to think that our world is becoming increasingly open to the human form in all of its glory, including a woman’s pregnant body. Unfortunately, the ever-evolving world of Facebook (most of whose users are of college age), does not agree.

Cary Curran, a member of a New York City based dance troupe, recently had her Facebook account deleted without her knowledge or consent by the administrators of the popular social networking site. This was due to the fact that Curran decided to upload a picture of her semi-nude pregnant body as her profile picture. Curran, who celebrates the often semi-naked body daily as part of her profession, saw nothing wrong with the picture that featured her in simply “gold pasties, a thong bikini bottom and a liberal sprinkling of gold body glitter”.

Facebook decided this picture constituted sexually explicit material, which is banned by Facebook user's Statements of Rights and Responsibilities. Though parts of Curran’s breasts are exposed in the picture, she is not fully nude. In addition to her not being fully nude in the picture, so again, the question can be posed, what is sexually explicit about her picture? Her genitalia is not exposed, and no sexual acts are being performed in the picture. Therefore, Facebook seems to be defining any form of nudity as sexually explicit, thereby further reinforcing our country’s outlook that the naked woman form is shameful and should not be exposed.

This makes me wonder if Facebook applies this view of nudity being sexually explicit material to other cultures where unlike America, nudity is embraced. Last semester as I traveled around Europe, I was time and time again exposed to nudity on numerous beaches from Spain to Italy. Women everywhere sunbathed topless and no one gave a second glance. As I pondered how everyone seemed to be so comfortable with their bodies, I realized the reason why I would never think about taking my top off was the fact that I was raised in a country where nudity and celebrating the woman’s body is looked down upon, and not talked about often. By deleting Curran’s account, Facebook is reinforcing this thought process. I would in fact like to see how European Facebook account holders would react to this profile picture of Curran. My bet is they would see nothing wrong with it, and in fact, it would not faze them in the slightest.

The fact of the matter is, we are all exposed to far more explicit material everyday on primetime television. Tune in at anytime to an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and while body parts are not fully exposed, the actions they are portraying during sex scenes are far more sexually explicit than a picture of a semi-nude, pregnant, female body. Or, how about this weeks upcoming attraction for the latest Gossip Girl episode which apparently is featuring a threesome?! Sexually explicit material? Guess we will see.

All in all, if Facebook insists on counting Curran’s picture as sexually explicit material, they could have at least given her a warning so that she could take appropriate action such as removing the picture, instead of deleting her entire account. Really Facebook, do you know how much time it takes to accumulate all of those “friends” and upload all of those pictures? Work with us here.

Learning to Embrace Your Sexuality - or - How I finally stopped listening to judgmental jerks and you should, too!

(I filled in this month for KaeLyn on the Vagina Dialogues column.. and I decided to share it here so the rest of y'all can check it out.)

I’m sure many of you are reading that title and thinking “Yeah, alright… I got there five years ago,” but I know there HAVE to be more of you (no matter what age) out there like me who just haven’t quite been able to do your own thing without letting the disapproving looks of your friends and peers burn a hole in your face.

By “do your own thing,” I assume you know I mean “have sex.” Freely. Making your own individual choices. I am talking about sex that is consensual, sex that is safe, sex that happens because you want it to, and sex that makes you feel good.

I want to make something very clear: nothing you are doing is wrong. “Wrong” is a social construction. Your sexual choices may not work for everyone, but if they make you happy and don’t threaten the safety of yourself or others, then gosh darnit please keep doing what you’re doing.

The problem is sex is still hard to talk about for many people. I grew up in a loving and accepting family, but we never talked about sex. Ever. I couldn’t say “sex” to my mom until I was 17. And don’t get me started on the lack of comprehensive sexual health education in schools, or worse, the lack of sex-positive sexual education in general.

If we can’t talk about sex then how will we ever figure it out? And if sex continues to be characterized as bad, as scary, as wrong… then where does that leave us? Stuck in a world where a group of people who think sex is the end of Western civilization try to control the dialogue. And that’s just not fair. It means that for the 95% of Americans who are having sex before marriage, there is a lack of comfort, resources, and openness for talking about sex.

So, how did I finally accept my own sexual identity and expression? I realized that I wasn’t wrong, that I make my choices for me and not the people judging me, and that thinking about and talking about sex help make sense of it. Really, it’s true. The first step was to be honest and frank with myself.

The bottom line: you’re sexuality is YOURS. Not your neighbor’s, not your brother’s, not the person sitting across from you at lunch. I may not know a whole lot in this world but I can tell you that life is far more rewarding and fulfilling when you find your own path and follow it.

So, what steps should we take when embracing our sexuality, however and with whomever we choose to experience it with?

1. Remember that the choices you make are yours. They need not apply to your best friend, your neighbor, or your parents. You have power over your individual choices.

2. Always, always, always make sure you are well stocked with safe sex materials: condoms, dental dams, finger cots, whatever. Besides that, keep some fun stuff around, too: lube, toys, whatever. And please make sure you and your partner(s) aren’t allergic to things like latex, certain lubricants, et cetera.

3. Communicate your needs and expectations, and be certain that your partner(s) is/are, also. And while you’re communicating, you might as well talk about your fantasies, too!

4. You can have erotic experiences without even having sex. And they don’t even have to be with people – they can be with the sky, the way the air smells, the way your cotton sheets feel. Get in tune with your erotic, sensual self.

5. Masturbate! Please. That way you know what you like and you will feel far more comfortable with talking about and having sex. Sex with yourself is just as legitimate and fulfilling as sex with other people.

6. Support age-appropriate, medically-accurate sex education that gives young people all the resources they need to make informed and safe decisions about sex and sexuality. You can learn more about how to support real sex ed at www.plannedparenthoodaction.org.

Get out there and enjoy your sexuality, no matter how you express it. But always remember, it’s about making choices that you feel good about.

The dreaded FIRST TIME

When we hear stories about "my first time," what to they tend to focus on? I feel like they usually hone in on negative experiences - hearts were broken, someone felt used...We focus on the messiness, the awkward moments, pain, potential regrets - leaving out that sometimes, people have a great time - with no looking back.

Promoters of abstinence-only education use negative experiences to convince students that the only "right" way to have sex is within marriage, and only then if the goal is procreation. In reality, 95% of people have sex before marriage - and not all those experiences are regrettable!

This article over at Sex Etc. tries to turn all that around. It provides stories of a few people's first sexual experiences, and does so in a really positive way, in an effort to change the way we view the "first time." It's refreshing to hear about people who are happy with their sexual choices - happy enough to talk about them openly.

I, for one, had a great experience my first time. It wasn't unplanned or unexpected - i knew exactly what was going on. We were both ready, and had discussed (in serious detail) what would be happening. It was very clear that if either of us wanted to stop, it would be completely ok. Of course, it wasn't perfect - it had those awkward moments and confusion that doing something new is bound to have - but I can definitely look back and smile.

When I began reading this article, I was worried that they wouldn't include a homosexual or queer experience - a group that often gets left out when talking about "virginity." But at the end, they surprised me with a story about two teenage boys deciding to take their relationship a step further. I was really excited to see the even hand they gave to that relationship, in comparison to the others. There was no hint of anything different treatment, which I liked to see.

I did have a few minor qualms with the site, though. First of all, it was generally assumed that sex meant penetration. Admittedly, this might be some of my own close-mindedness, but it didn't seem to me that any of the couples were talking about oral sex. But maybe I'm wrong. Either way, the various definitions of "sex" weren't really explored (no lesbian couple? Should I read too far into this?), and neither were the complex definitions of "virginity." Maybe it was left open on purpose, and I created my own ending, though. Hm. My other thought was that it seemed that all these couples stayed together. I know it was meant to be a positive view of that "first time," but it all seemed extremely rosy. In my case, my partner who I lost my virginity with have since broken up - and we haven't spoken in months. Regardless, I haven't let that tarnish my memory of the first time we had sex. It's ok if you don't stay together afterwards, as long as you feel good about your decisions.

Either way, it's a good read, and gave me a lot to think about. Go check it out!

Just How Much Should Love Hurt? Or, Don't Claim Your Orgasm, Ladies.

Just how much should love hurt? According to Christina Nehring, a lot. And you won't just hurt, you'll suffer. But oh will it be worth it.

In fact, you can expect to feel miserable, alone, on the edge of insanity... all for the plight of love and romance.

And sex? What sex? Nehring argues that the "availiablity" of sex in our age of internet technologies and mass mediated communications makes true love impossible; that romance depends on "other-ness, tension, and reserve." Well, I guess Nehring and I have different definitions of love and romance. It's difficult for me to imagine any deep feelings of companionship and compassion to come out of that blockade that she thinks must be built between partners.

Nehring uses the romance stories of centuries past as her models - Jane Austen, in particular. As a book nerd, I can even somewhat understand Nehring's sense of Romanticism and idealism towards love and romance, but I don't understand why this tortuous angst is required. Yes, love when it is towards an unwilling object, love when it is unreciprocated, is taxing on our emotions and bodies. But those are situations where the rational and self-respecting thing to do is walk away.

Out of all the things that Nehring says about the disintegration of love in our time, the most problematic to me are her sex-negative and even female body-negative opinions, paraphrased in an article by Laura Sessions Step for sexreally.com:

"It is not, for example, 'sex-on-tap,' or 'the relentless emphasis on sexual climax that…has a largely depleting effect on the life of the emotions.' 'When erotic intimacy is available at the tap of a mouse,' she writes, or, indeed, at the amiable request of one’s household partner (“what about a quickie before lunch, dear?”); when magazines nudge us to 'claim' orgasms as we do receipts at the end of our transactions at Starbucks; when Broadway hits like Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues have women hollering the names of their genitals and baking cakes in their shape, then sex has simply become too available.”

Wait... what? Since when does it make sense to link a woman's positive sense of self and body image with bad types of love? And, last time I checked, the Vagina Monologues have been nothing but positive for women all over the globe for over 10 years.

Sessions Stepp goes on, saying:

"Love is also not an equal partnership, in her view. It is the ardor of a college student for her professor, a young man for an older man."

This view on love is troubling. It means that we would be denied real human connection, openness, and comfort. It also would mean elevated levels of depression, partner abuse, and so on. I, for one, do not think that love means despair.

An interesting and maybe even enlightening or liberating exercise that I suggest all our readers do is to take a moment and think about what sex, love and romance mean to you. How do you define them? Do they involve two people? Can't they involve just you? Perhaps they involve more? I urge you to rethink those three vague ideas outside of their social constructions (p.s. this originally was an exercise in Dr. Sekile Nzinga Johnson's Psych of Women class in spring 2009, so I can't take all the credit for it!).

June Declared National LGBTQ Pride Month

Sexuality and Gender are fundamental parts of who we are, because of the issue's immense importance to our society it seems obvious why President Barack Obama declared the month of June as LGBTQ Pride Month.

"NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists."

The words of Barack Obama resonate with people all around the world who find hope and inspiration from LGBTQ progression throughout history.

"Forty years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. During LGBT Pride Month, we commemorate the events of June 1969 and commit to achieving equal justice under law for LGBT Americans," recalls the President.

Each of us has a gender and gender identity. Our gender identity is our deepest feelings about our gender. We express our gender identity in the way that we act masculine, feminine, neither, or both. Some of us are transgender — which means that our biological sex and our gender identity do not match up. Each of us also has a sexual orientation. You may be bisexual, gay, lesbian or straight. Or you may be “questioning” — unsure about your sexual orientation.

It is important to note that no matter what you identify with President Obama plans to ensure your safety and comfort, "The LGBT rights movement has achieved great progress, but there is more work to be done. LGBT youth should feel safe to learn without the fear of harassment, and LGBT families and seniors should be allowed to live their lives with dignity and respect" proclaims Obama.

The more you understand biological sex, gender, gender identity, and sexual orientation, the more you may understand yourself and how you relate to other people. Because sex and gender are so complex, you may have many questions. You may wonder about your own sexual orientation or gender identity, or you may wonder about someone you know. You may have questions about how society views sex and gender — including homophobia, sexism, and transphobia. Remember that staff at your local Planned Parenthood Health Center can talk with you and help you find the information and resources that you need.