Learning to Embrace Your Sexuality - or - How I finally stopped listening to judgmental jerks and you should, too!

(I filled in this month for KaeLyn on the Vagina Dialogues column.. and I decided to share it here so the rest of y'all can check it out.)

I’m sure many of you are reading that title and thinking “Yeah, alright… I got there five years ago,” but I know there HAVE to be more of you (no matter what age) out there like me who just haven’t quite been able to do your own thing without letting the disapproving looks of your friends and peers burn a hole in your face.

By “do your own thing,” I assume you know I mean “have sex.” Freely. Making your own individual choices. I am talking about sex that is consensual, sex that is safe, sex that happens because you want it to, and sex that makes you feel good.

I want to make something very clear: nothing you are doing is wrong. “Wrong” is a social construction. Your sexual choices may not work for everyone, but if they make you happy and don’t threaten the safety of yourself or others, then gosh darnit please keep doing what you’re doing.

The problem is sex is still hard to talk about for many people. I grew up in a loving and accepting family, but we never talked about sex. Ever. I couldn’t say “sex” to my mom until I was 17. And don’t get me started on the lack of comprehensive sexual health education in schools, or worse, the lack of sex-positive sexual education in general.

If we can’t talk about sex then how will we ever figure it out? And if sex continues to be characterized as bad, as scary, as wrong… then where does that leave us? Stuck in a world where a group of people who think sex is the end of Western civilization try to control the dialogue. And that’s just not fair. It means that for the 95% of Americans who are having sex before marriage, there is a lack of comfort, resources, and openness for talking about sex.

So, how did I finally accept my own sexual identity and expression? I realized that I wasn’t wrong, that I make my choices for me and not the people judging me, and that thinking about and talking about sex help make sense of it. Really, it’s true. The first step was to be honest and frank with myself.

The bottom line: you’re sexuality is YOURS. Not your neighbor’s, not your brother’s, not the person sitting across from you at lunch. I may not know a whole lot in this world but I can tell you that life is far more rewarding and fulfilling when you find your own path and follow it.

So, what steps should we take when embracing our sexuality, however and with whomever we choose to experience it with?

1. Remember that the choices you make are yours. They need not apply to your best friend, your neighbor, or your parents. You have power over your individual choices.

2. Always, always, always make sure you are well stocked with safe sex materials: condoms, dental dams, finger cots, whatever. Besides that, keep some fun stuff around, too: lube, toys, whatever. And please make sure you and your partner(s) aren’t allergic to things like latex, certain lubricants, et cetera.

3. Communicate your needs and expectations, and be certain that your partner(s) is/are, also. And while you’re communicating, you might as well talk about your fantasies, too!

4. You can have erotic experiences without even having sex. And they don’t even have to be with people – they can be with the sky, the way the air smells, the way your cotton sheets feel. Get in tune with your erotic, sensual self.

5. Masturbate! Please. That way you know what you like and you will feel far more comfortable with talking about and having sex. Sex with yourself is just as legitimate and fulfilling as sex with other people.

6. Support age-appropriate, medically-accurate sex education that gives young people all the resources they need to make informed and safe decisions about sex and sexuality. You can learn more about how to support real sex ed at www.plannedparenthoodaction.org.

Get out there and enjoy your sexuality, no matter how you express it. But always remember, it’s about making choices that you feel good about.

Vox College Students, InControl Teen Peer Educators, and Staff Take Over D.C.!

The first ever Youth Organizing and Policy Conference took place in Washington, D.C. from July 15-17 in conjunction with PPFA’s Organizing and Policy Summit, and PPRSR made a great showing with six Vox students, three InControl teen peer educators, and three staff members in attendance.

It’s hard to say what the best part of the trip was. For some of us, it was the informative workshop topics such as building campaigns, communicating with decision makers, and understanding the legislative process. For others it was getting to talk with Cecile Richards. For me, meeting Rep. Louise Slaughter was something I won’t forget anytime soon! What was exciting and empowering for all of us was being with over 450 likeminded people who were all fighting for a common goal: ensuring coverage for a full range of reproductive health benefits and making sure that women have access to trusted community health care providers like Planned Parenthood.

For me, two themes emerged during the trip. One of them was that personal stories about our relationship with Planned Parenthood as employees, volunteers and patients, are what make people listen. Certainly how we educate and converse with decision makers is important, but sometimes it is an individual story that sticks the strongest.
Second, decision makers like to think that youth don’t worry about health care and that assumption couldn’t be more wrong. I saw over 200 teenagers and college students who were passionate advocates for their own health care concerns in the health care reform process. With all the informative workshops and lobbying experience, the teens and young adults advocating with Planned Parenthood seemed empowered and energized.

The trip to D.C. couldn’t have been better, except maybe for our delayed flight on the way back! I think I speak for everyone in saying that we can’t wait to continue mobilizing for health care reform on our campuses and in our communities!

The dreaded FIRST TIME

When we hear stories about "my first time," what to they tend to focus on? I feel like they usually hone in on negative experiences - hearts were broken, someone felt used...We focus on the messiness, the awkward moments, pain, potential regrets - leaving out that sometimes, people have a great time - with no looking back.

Promoters of abstinence-only education use negative experiences to convince students that the only "right" way to have sex is within marriage, and only then if the goal is procreation. In reality, 95% of people have sex before marriage - and not all those experiences are regrettable!

This article over at Sex Etc. tries to turn all that around. It provides stories of a few people's first sexual experiences, and does so in a really positive way, in an effort to change the way we view the "first time." It's refreshing to hear about people who are happy with their sexual choices - happy enough to talk about them openly.

I, for one, had a great experience my first time. It wasn't unplanned or unexpected - i knew exactly what was going on. We were both ready, and had discussed (in serious detail) what would be happening. It was very clear that if either of us wanted to stop, it would be completely ok. Of course, it wasn't perfect - it had those awkward moments and confusion that doing something new is bound to have - but I can definitely look back and smile.

When I began reading this article, I was worried that they wouldn't include a homosexual or queer experience - a group that often gets left out when talking about "virginity." But at the end, they surprised me with a story about two teenage boys deciding to take their relationship a step further. I was really excited to see the even hand they gave to that relationship, in comparison to the others. There was no hint of anything different treatment, which I liked to see.

I did have a few minor qualms with the site, though. First of all, it was generally assumed that sex meant penetration. Admittedly, this might be some of my own close-mindedness, but it didn't seem to me that any of the couples were talking about oral sex. But maybe I'm wrong. Either way, the various definitions of "sex" weren't really explored (no lesbian couple? Should I read too far into this?), and neither were the complex definitions of "virginity." Maybe it was left open on purpose, and I created my own ending, though. Hm. My other thought was that it seemed that all these couples stayed together. I know it was meant to be a positive view of that "first time," but it all seemed extremely rosy. In my case, my partner who I lost my virginity with have since broken up - and we haven't spoken in months. Regardless, I haven't let that tarnish my memory of the first time we had sex. It's ok if you don't stay together afterwards, as long as you feel good about your decisions.

Either way, it's a good read, and gave me a lot to think about. Go check it out!

Out FIRST WIN in Health Care Reform

From Planned Parenthoof Federation of America

We got our first win in health care reform today, thanks to a strong, coordinated federation-wide effort. Senator Mikulski’s Women’s Health Amendment #201 passed the Senate HELP Committee 12-11. This amendment captures Planned Parenthood’s priorities in health care reform by doing two key things: 1) it provides coverage—with no or limited cost sharing—for women’s preventative health care and screenings; and 2) ensures patients’ access to essential community providers, such as HIV/AIDS clinics, public hospitals, and women’s health centers like Planned Parenthood.

While we still have a long way to go, the first step towards victory is often the most important. And the Women’s Health Amendment would not have happened without all of your hard work. Since the amendment was filed late Tuesday, Planned Parenthood volunteers logged in 374 calls into Senate HELP Committee members—a huge number of calls for such a short period of time. Thank you! The Senate HELP Committee will continue marking up their bill tomorrow, and we expect to see votes on some of the more than 15 amendments that were filed this week attacking women’s health. We will keep you posted on the outcome of those amendments.
On the Senate Finance Committee front, we have generated more than 12,000 e-mails and phone calls since last week, urging Committee members to ensure that women don’t lose access to reproductive health care services. We are hearing that those e-mails and calls have made a significant impact, but we won’t know for sure until we see bill language. The Senate Finance Committee hit another roadblock this week and is not expected to release bill language this week, as originally planned.

The three House Committees are in the midst of last-minute negotiations on their joint bill and could release it as early as tomorrow. It’s possible the Energy & Commerce Committee may begin marking it up as early as Monday afternoon. This is a tough Committee, so we really appreciate all the affiliate-organized calls to E&C members—highlighting the critical message that women should not be worse off under health care reform . As we have seen with our success today, our power is in our organizing. Thank you again for all of your work!

How Are Condoms Made?

Have you ever wondered how condoms are made? How manufacturers really know that they're safe? Or how about what the "electronic testing" mentioned on the package means? Well, you're in luck, because the video below can fill you in on all of the above. The answers to all of the questions are really quite fascinating, and also might be a little bit different from what you had in mind.



And now you all know how the most effective barrier method of contraception, and greatest protector against HIV and other STIs, is made! You learn a little something new every day.

Google Disallows Ads for Abortion Services in Over 12 Countries

What I'm filling you in on is just what the title says. If you click the title, you will be directed to the article on feministing.com from which I got the information from, as well as more information about the topic.

If you are feeling lazy, I'll fill you in:

"AdWords now prohibits ads for abortion services of any kind in over a dozen countries, including Brazil, France, Mexico, Poland, and Taiwan. " (AdWords is the google advertising network that allows advertisers to place ads in relevant search results.)

Google's defense was that they had tailored their search services to the laws of the different countries. While I haven't read much on globalisation and new media, I think this brings up an important question: how, why, and when can such services like google censor their information? Is this ever okay?

Obviously, I think not. Witholding reproductive health information from women is a violation of their rights, no matter what the law is.

Last thing to ponder: what to do with situations where service providers like google have the opportunity to make political and social decisions? On one hand, I see googles motivation: they don't want to lose customers. At the same time, every act matters; google's actions are a move against all women. Companies like google should be held accountable for such actions.